Wow what a weird night! We were having the usual monthly dinner club and it was our turn to host. Dinner went very well and then the after dinner conversations split in their respective male and female counterparts to talk of weddings past and upcoming bicycle equipment. To which group each conversation belonged to I’ll let your imagination interject. Then two of our guests left and all was still well. And then it happened...we were sitting in the living room minding our business about to say goodbye to one of the remaining couples and the wife spotted “a man” on our front porch. Sure enough there was a guy in a black leather jacket, black jeans, white Wal-Mart walkers, and no shirt sitting in our porch swing looking hypothermic. He had a tall powerful physique about him and we were all taken aback by what we were seeing. A collective hush and internal gasp seemed to fall over the living room.
I and one other male present went to investigate. We asked “Can we help you sir?” Man: “No I think I’ll just stay here all night” Me: “Well I don’t think that is possible, is there someone I can call to help you?” Man: “Come first light there’s gonna be a good show out here”. Ok so at this point I knew this guy was crazy and I was a little freaked along with everyone else who I think had been freaked just a little longer. I mean I’ll be dammed if some guy is going to force himself upon my porch swing and tell me he’s spending the night. We rushed back into the house and locked everything and drew the blinds on all the windows and called the police. (911) We waited 20 minutes and still no one came. I meanwhile had located myself adjacent of the front door with an anti-theft/personal defense device, with a sliver of curtain pulled so I could see the guy. He sat there content to swing until judgment day, then he abruptly stopped and left the porch and headed off the property. Part of me was relieved and part was angered the police hadn’t gotten here yet. What the hell? What gives?
We called 911 and I know how long it takes to get dispatched but these guys should have been here by now. I also decided at this point it was not going to end this way with him getting away, so I and a male guest left the house and tailed this guy in a car until the cops finally got to us and we pointed them his way. Meanwhile the party left at the house 3 females and 1 male we anxiously awaited a word from us. Then they said they heard some small tapping noises and the remaining dude went to the kitchen and got a cast iron skillet. After a little thought he then according to the females switched to a knife, which unfortunately was later realized to be a bread knife. The source of the noise much to their surprise was our new chickens in their box pecking away! Talk about situational paranoia. So anyways this guy was arrested and I headed back to the house with my friend. Upon arrival at the house I found our doormat was gone, an old Christmas wreath and the entire paper shredder bin, which we were going to use to start a fire earlier, had vanished off the porch. The shredded papers lie on our stairs like a plane crash full of spaghetti. I searched for 20 minutes around the house and the block for my damn doormat and the paper bin for our shredder with no results. This makes me think the guy came and went several times during our dinner unnoticed and happened to not be around when our first dinner guests departed. He also took several of our Sea dollars from our recent beach trip, which the officers found when they frisked him. After the all clear was sounded the last of our dinner guests departed and I noticed a crumpled piece of paper on our lawn. On the paper was this dude’s name, and reminders to take his medication and a number to call in case of crisis. Jesus! Who released this guy from the hospital? Anyways everyone make sure you lock you doors tonight and keep something to defend yourself close, if this guy had decided to attack I think there was nothing we could have done short of something to make him lose consciousness to stop him. And by the way I plan on stopping by a Big Lebowski party tomorrow evening and I can legitimately say, "I just want my fucking rug back man"